Looking Back

H.T.

Jesus:

-  fragile
-  poor, cold, helpless, dependent, rejected.
-  so gentle, sleeping beauty, glorious yet hidden.
-  angels, singing to your incarnation, I’m joining too.

 I look intensively at the Child, sleeping in His hay manger. How beautiful He is! I adore you my little Jesus.

What hardship have you gone through? May I share a little bit of your experience these nights? Please allow me to live, and experience what you’ve been through.

(After a few minutes of getting nowhere, I then turn to Mary and began a dialogue with her in my journal):

Me: Mary, what do you see in Jesus?

Mary: He is mine; He is a gift from God to me and to all humanity. He is a great baby, so precious to me. What a privilege I have, to carry Him and to be His mother. I love Him, and I adore Him. What a wonderful He is! I cannot express my feelings of awe, admiration, and reverence toward Him. Yet I have Him in my arms, I feed Him with my own milk. He is a part of me. He is so humble, becoming a poor child like this. I understand why He came like this, yet this is still too much to grasp. Feel more “awe” toward Him.

Me: Mary, can you tell me something about Him; how can I relate to Him?

Mary: He really loves you Peter. I want to offer Him as a gift to you. He is God; I do not own Him completely, yet He wants to come to you today through my extending arms. Would you hold Him carefully? Would you kiss Him as a little Baby, as your eternal King? He really desires your loving response Peter.

Me: Mother, can you tell me some more?

Mary: He is all I have, Peter. It’s up to you to accept or reject Him. But He is really a gift from God and from me to you. Would you embrace Him and accept Him?

Me: Yes Mother, I will embrace Him, I will be His friend, and I will kiss Him and adore Him. Would you, my dear Blessed Mother, lead me closer to Him each day. I want to know more about His human side, His likes and dislikes so that I know how to please Him and follow His will for my life. That’s my prayer, would you, Mother, grant me that request? Anything else you want to tell me, Mother?

Mary: I myself intercede for you constantly. I desire to be your true mother and relate to you in a more personal way. Yet our relationship lays mostly on your side. I love you and care for you. I just want to know that I am not jealous if you do not come to me, but I still appreciate your willingness to accept me or your approaching me. I can be a great help if you can trust me enough. Do you want to build a new relationship with me?

Me: Mother, I can’t say yes right now. My mind wants to say yes but my heart is still hesitating. I think I am becoming closer to you lately. You know, relationship sometime takes time, and I can’t jump in and promise in a hurry. I really appreciate your constant love and intercession for me. There are still some misconceptions I am holding about you. I hope these misconceptions or negative images or indifferent feelings will clear up soon. Would you and Jesus help me to clear them up? Anyway, I am glad that my attitude toward you has been improving last year. I know that very soon I will feel more comfortable and at home with you. Would you be patient with me? God hasn’t finished His work in me yet. I know you understand. Mary, you are a wonderful mother. I thank you for giving me a precious gift Jesus to me. He is so lovely, don’t you agree? Well, I still need your constant prayer to be faithful and to keep my focus on Him always. I know that you’re praying for me, thank you again my sweet Mother. You are awesome too!

Me: Lord, thank you for this morning. I didn’t have that contemplative experience of your birth or your family journey to Bethlehem. Yet I have received much love and grace from You during the last hour & Thank you Lord, Father and Jesus and Holy Spirit, and Mary for spending time with me this morning. You are all wonderful!! Amen.

Why am I submitting these few pages from my old journal to be printed in the Đồng Hành? Does it have to have anything to do with this month's theme?

Well, I am doing this because I would like to share with you one of the experiences through which God liberated me from my old sin bondages, worldly ambitions, pride, or negative attitudes. In this particular case, He set me free from my prejudice against a special person and re-introduced me to her: our Blessed Mother Mary.

I used to hold resentment against Mary. In my area, most Vietnamese Catholics have high regard for Mary, and thus many of the local churches’ special activities were about the Rosary, Fatima day, processions (kiệu, dâng hoa), visitation of Marian shrines, ect ... Because of these, I interpreted that people took God and Jesus for granted and devoted more to Mary. Sometimes I even wondered about the phrase “đạo Chúa hay đạo Bà?” Deep down I understood that Mary always has a special place in God’s heart and a unique role in the salvation plan: however, by seeing people’s “mis-practice” of our catholic tradition, eventually, I stayed away not only from those devotees but also away from Mary herself.

But our God is gracious God. On that morning around Christmas, instead of obliging to my request to meditate on the Nativity, Jesus allowed me to dialog directly with His mother. Through this brief conversation I discovered how humble and loving Mary was, and how much she desired me to come directly to Jesus instead of making herself a mediator, as I has been suspicious her. I noticed that as I continued to attend to her gentle words, my feeling toward her was transformed, and the tone of my addressing her changed from the impersonal “Mary” to a more respectful “Mother” and later as “my sweet Mother.”

Nowadays, I find myself no longer critical of others when I see a long and noisy procession. In fact, on a couple of occasions I gladly joined them. People may stay the same, but I have changed. Personally I can sense a warm emotion within myself whenever I talk to Mary or ask her to intercede for me. Yes, the barrier that separated me from her was replaced by a mutual understanding friendship, probably because we both share one common thing: Mary, and I both adore and love Christ. What a freedom we have if we do not hold anything against someone else! Right?

For a few years now John Michael Talbot’s “Holy Is His name” has been one of my favorite song. So, let us join our Fair Lady in singing Her Magnificat:

“My soul proclaim the greatness of the Lord,
And my spirit exalts in God my Saviour.
And His mercy will reach from age to age.
And Holy, Holy, Holy is His name.”
 

God is wonderful, isn’t He?

H.T. (CA)