| |
I used to keep a
list of “conversation starters” which comprised of open-ended
questions to ask people when emailing, writing letters, taking walks,
or dining. The questions were gradually collected through the years
from books such as Life’s Little Instruction Book or from word of
mouth. Of course, as a courtesy when asking these questions, I am
usually prepared with an answer as well. The one question, however,
which I often have difficulty answering is, “If you could meet three
individuals, dead or alive, who would they be and why?”
My answers are
inconsistent. When I was in college, a miserable-Bio-Sci-major-wishing-to-be-an-English-major-instead,
my answer was, “Thomas Hardy because he wrote Jude the Obscure, Leo
Tolstoy because he wrote Anna Karenina, and Jesus Christ, for obvious
reason.”
When I entered
pharmacy school, a
doubtful-student-wishing-there-were-more-writing-assignments-here, my
answer was, “Fyodor Dotoyevsky because he wrote The Idiot, Primo Levi
because he survived the holocaust, and Jesus Christ, for obvious
reason.”
Now, as I am
about to bid farewell to student life and greet the working world, my
answer is, “Just Jesus Christ because I need to ask Him if He’s proud
of having created me.”
I remember when I
was in high school, I defended Catholicism every chance I got. In
retrospect, I had so little knowledge of the Catholic Church then, but
that did not seem to matter. A friend considered me “pious,” and I
beamed because I believed him. In college, I was active with Hạt Cải
and often helped out with Come & See retreats while resisting my GPA
tugging my elbow towards probation. Then, I knew that I was going to
be okay, regardless, because whenever it involved God, it can ONLY be
okay.
Nowadays, I get
nervous when non-Catholic friends ask me about Catholicism, even if
just to learn. I tell them I am the last person to teach about
Catholicism. I get weak when non-believers start criticizing about
Catholicism. I remain “neutral” hoping that they think I am confident
about my faith - so confident that I don’t need to defend it. The
truth, I cannot defend it even if I try. I like buying books, but not
spiritual ones because I cannot digest them. The truth, reading
spiritual texts reminds me of how “far from being like Christ” I am.
I stop attending retreats and instead only help out because “I gain
more helping than attending.” The truth, 48 hours of silence with God
makes me uncomfortable.
People suffer
from social anxiety or separation anxiety; I think I suffer from
spiritual anxiety. I’ve come up with many excuses or justifications
to avoid this “disorder” too. I “pray” often enough; I try to go to
church; I try to help others; I try to be a good daughter - that
should be good enough, no? Besides, I’m so busy these days.
Yet, I still
wonder if Jesus is proud of having created me.
I suppose the
more think I achieve, the more I think I know, the more “self-assured”
I think I am, the farther I have felt from God. I often yearn for
those high school and UCI days when I was full of doubt about my
career path, And yet, I was always whispering in the dark with Jesus,
thinking of Him - especially before, during, and after an exam, never
hesitate walking in rhythm with the rain “pitter-pattering” against my
vinyl umbrella and Jesus at my side (by the way, Jesus likes jumping
puddles in Aldrich Park). I cannot recall the last time I took a walk
with Him, sunny or pouring.
This doubt - do I
make You proud - I suppose it’s not just a teenage thing, but also a
twenty-something thing, and perhaps a thirty-something,
forty-something as well.
If I could meet
one individual dead or alive, who would that person be and why? I
hear Him waiting, beckoning, “Chiêu Giang, Friday evening, at the
retreat house in ... we’ll meet there ... I promise.”
|
|
